Okay so with all the awful things going on in the world I decided, We all need too laugh! Well to help you do that I have decided to share these stories with you. I have pinned all this accounts with my personal account and every time i feel a little down i read away. Makes life great again even if only for a minute! Hope you all enjoy these as much as i do!! Seriously story 1 is sooo funny but for me story 2 makes me cry laugh every time!!! Enjoy!!!
Do Not Drink Anything While Reading This
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: ‘Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.’
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those ‘cold wax’ kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No mess, no fuss.
How hard can it be?
I mean, I’m not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (‘Cold wax,’ yeah…right!)
I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.
It works!
OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!
I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north after checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) ..
I inhale deeply and brace myself…RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I’m blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!….OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half the strip.
CRAP!
Another deep breath and RIPP!
Everything is spinning and spotted.
I think I may pass out…must stay conscious…must stay conscious.
Do I hear crashing drums???
Breathe, breathe…OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy – a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
There’s no hair on it.
Where is the hair???
WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip…it’s not! I touch. .. I am touching wax!!
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake…remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself ‘Please don’t let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!’
What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!
I’ll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub – the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment – I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub…in scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, doesn’t melt cold wax.
So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It’s a very good conversation starter ‘So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!’
There is a slight pause.
She doesn’t know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, ‘Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?’
She’s laughing out loud by now…I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else’s night.
While we go through various solutions, I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I’m pretty sure I’m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace….the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and … OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!The scream probably woke the kids and scared the ****ens out of my friend.
Its sooo painful, but I really don’t care.
‘IT WORKS!!
It works!!’ I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair…?
THE HAIR IS STILL HERE…….ALL OF IT!
So I recklessly shave it off.
Heck, I’m numb by now.
Nothing hurts.
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Unknown:
Hey Amanda! This is Jane. I was thinking for Beth's wedding gift we could go halfsies on one of those blocks of wood that says words like faith and hope that they could put on a mantle or hang on the wall. What do you think?
Eli:
Hmmm . . . I saw couples snuggies at K-Mart the other day on sale for 9.99 and I think this is probably more of what she's looking for. It's more practical.
Unknown:
Lol! That's what I got them for their birthdays! But seriously, what do you think about the wood block idea?
Eli:
Ok . . . I know for a fact you didn't get them snuggies for their birthdays because I talked to Beth recently and asked her which kind she would want if she got one as a wedding gift and she didn't say anything about already having one . . .
Unknown:
Oh Amanda, I was just joking. Sorry. :( Tell me more about your snuggie idea?
Eli:
I'm confused . . . what was the joke?
Unknown:
Oh, a lot of people joke about snuggies. But I know a lot of people like them and I just thought maybe you were joking. I don't know you very well, obviously, so I don't know your sense of humor.
Eli:
Well obviously I don't think we should get them leopard print. I was thinking the classy kitten snuggies with their names embroidered onto them and a phrase like "1+1=furrrever."
Unknown:
1+1=furrever? Do you mean 2+2?
Eli:
2? Are they each 2 people? Why would it be 2+2?
Unknown:
1+1 equals 2, not 4. So the number "furrrever" doesn't really make sense with 1+1. Also, I don't think Beth likes cat stuff . . .
Eli:
Furrrever isn't a number . . . And Beth doesn't like cats but I'm pretty sure she likes cat stuff. I get her t-shirts with kittens on them for every birthday and she always says she loves them and that she wears them on vacations and stuff.
Unknown:
I bet she likes them just fine. I guess I just assumed she didn't like cat stuff since she doesn't like cats . . . But maybe she would like them. Or we could think of other options . . .
Eli:
I can tell you don't like the snuggie idea so let's just bag it.
Unknown:
I'm willing to consider it of course! But, are you at all interested in my block word idea? We could get those really cute ones that are painted different colors and just have a whole bunch they could put around their house.
Eli:
Here, let me text you a picture of my snuggie so you can get a better idea.
Eli:
Hey Amanda! This is Jane. I was thinking for Beth's wedding gift we could go halfsies on one of those blocks of wood that says words like faith and hope that they could put on a mantle or hang on the wall. What do you think?
Eli:
Hmmm . . . I saw couples snuggies at K-Mart the other day on sale for 9.99 and I think this is probably more of what she's looking for. It's more practical.
Unknown:
Lol! That's what I got them for their birthdays! But seriously, what do you think about the wood block idea?
Eli:
Ok . . . I know for a fact you didn't get them snuggies for their birthdays because I talked to Beth recently and asked her which kind she would want if she got one as a wedding gift and she didn't say anything about already having one . . .
Unknown:
Oh Amanda, I was just joking. Sorry. :( Tell me more about your snuggie idea?
Eli:
I'm confused . . . what was the joke?
Unknown:
Oh, a lot of people joke about snuggies. But I know a lot of people like them and I just thought maybe you were joking. I don't know you very well, obviously, so I don't know your sense of humor.
Eli:
Well obviously I don't think we should get them leopard print. I was thinking the classy kitten snuggies with their names embroidered onto them and a phrase like "1+1=furrrever."
Unknown:
1+1=furrever? Do you mean 2+2?
Eli:
2? Are they each 2 people? Why would it be 2+2?
Unknown:
1+1 equals 2, not 4. So the number "furrrever" doesn't really make sense with 1+1. Also, I don't think Beth likes cat stuff . . .
Eli:
Furrrever isn't a number . . . And Beth doesn't like cats but I'm pretty sure she likes cat stuff. I get her t-shirts with kittens on them for every birthday and she always says she loves them and that she wears them on vacations and stuff.
Unknown:
I bet she likes them just fine. I guess I just assumed she didn't like cat stuff since she doesn't like cats . . . But maybe she would like them. Or we could think of other options . . .
Eli:
I can tell you don't like the snuggie idea so let's just bag it.
Unknown:
I'm willing to consider it of course! But, are you at all interested in my block word idea? We could get those really cute ones that are painted different colors and just have a whole bunch they could put around their house.
Eli:
Here, let me text you a picture of my snuggie so you can get a better idea.
Eli:
Unknown: (2 hours later)
Honestly Amanda, I'm not crazy about the snuggie idea. If you want to do that, that's cool but I'll probably just do my own thing. Is that ok?
Eli:
Is it because of the picture? Obviously the Venetian mask and tea kettle wouldn't be part of the gift. I was just trying to show a few different uses. I can send other pictures if you want to see more.
Unknown:
No, that's ok. I think it looks really comfie. So you don't like the block words idea?
Eli:
You can go to football games in them, do grocery shopping, wear them around when all of your clothes are wet, read books, etc.
Unknown:
Yeah, they seem really cool. But she probably wouldn't do that kind of stuff in one . . .
Eli:
Well obviously she would have to tie it in the back so it wouldn't fall off. Especially if she didn't wear any clothes under it.
Unknown:
Alright. So you aren't interested in my block word idea?
Eli:
It's not that I don't like it. It's just that, when I was a kid my grandma used to always give me books for Christmas and I was always like, "thanks grandma. Now I have to read to enjoy your gift." You get me? Plus who has time for that?
Unknown:
But you understand the blocks are just one word. Like it would just be a block that says "Faith" or something.
Eli:
Oooooohhhhhh. So like a whole bunch of them that you move around to make funny sentences like word magnets on fridges that say stuff like, "I don't want no bunny banana frog ok no way!"
Unknown:
? No. Like, it's just the one word and you put it on a shelf or something.
Eli:
So we would have to get them a shelf too?
Unknown:
No . . . Ok, so you're not crazy about my idea. Do you have any others, other than the snuggie idea?
Eli:
What about garden gnomes?
Unknown:
Well they don't have a yard . . .
Eli:
Oh. What about a couple of chickens! Ok, hear me out on this. When I was a kid my parents had a chicken coop and we called one of the chickens the Queen of Colors because she was really colorful but one day her legs got stuck in my sister's hair so they had to cut the chicken out.
Unknown:
I don't think they would appreciate live animals.
Eli:
You're missing the point! The Queen of Colors got stuck in her hair! You have no idea what that put her through. Everyone called her "chicken head" until she lost her eye in a rubber band fight with her sponsor and they all started calling her "one-eyed-Wendy." But she's so much stronger for it.
Unknown:
I'll just do my own thing and you can do whatever you want. Ok?
Eli:
Unknown: (Many hours later)
Who is this?
Eli:
Eli.
Unknown:
And why did you keep texting me when you knew I had the wrong number?
Eli:
Everyone comment with links to your favorite funny stories!!
<3 Melanie
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